Dad: When I went to Florence...

Mom: When did you go to Florence?

Dad: I went to Florence! You don’t know where I went.

Mom: We only went to Rome and Pisa.

Dad: I’ve been to Florence, I’ve been all over Italy. I bought a shoe.

Mom: You bought those shoes from Pisa.

Dad: It doesn’t matter, I still went to Florence.

My Grandmother, the Botanist

Me: How was the party on Saturday night?

Nanno: This one person was so obese, I asked somebody if he had a metabolic disorder.

My Grandmother, the Botanist

Nanno: I need a new watch

Me: Ok, what’s your budget?

Nanno: I don’t have a budget. I can afford whatever.

At the McDonald's drive-thru:

Dad: I would like a cheeseburger, but no cheese

McD Employee: So...a hamburger.

Dad: No, a cheeseburger but no cheese.

McD Employee: I don't understand.

Mom: Don't put this picture of me in the book

Dad: Why not?

Mom: I don't look good.

Dad: What? No one is going to be looking at you.

While watching Dev Patel in Lion...

Mom: He needs to cut his hair

Dad: ...after the movie

An excerpt from Daddy's autobiography

Upon first meeting my mother...

"I’m glad I had this opportunity to speak with Moni as I found her intelligent, enterprising, and well-informed. She also had a surprisingly good command of the English language."

Mom: The new fridge came.

Me: Yeah, I saw the picture you sent. It looks good.

Dad: I didn't see the picture, why didn't you show me the picture?

Mom: Because you can walk downstairs and see it.

Dad: I think your grandmother got a facelift.

Me: What?! Are you serious? She definitely did not.

Mom: He's been telling everyone she has.

My Grandmother, the Botanist

Nanno: Do you wear your hair like that at work?

Me: Yeah...why.

Nanno: ...no reason.

Me: You don't like it?

Nanno: No. You look like a monk.

My Grandmother, the Botanist

Grandmother: See this necklace? I am giving it to Flor on her wedding day.

Monty: Do you just have an unlimited supply of jewels in your bedroom?

Grandmother: HAHA! No. Not in my bedroom.

Mom: We were going to go out for dinner, but it’s raining now.

Me: Is it acid rain?

Mom: What?

Me: Is it poison rain?

Mom: No, what? Why?

Me: Then who cares if it’s raining, you can still go out for dinner!

Dad: HAHAHA THAT IS FUNNY

(Conversation continues between Mom and I for a few minutes)

Dad: HAHAHA

Mom: What are you laughing at?

Dad: You’re scared of rain.

My Grandmother, the Botanist

Me: How did your doctor's appointment go?

Grandmother: Great. He was a very attractive African-American. Just like Obama.

Dad: I took a look at the edits you made to my autobiography. Some might be right. Some are definitely not right.

Dad: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Have to go to a work party with Monty.

Dad: Oh, what are you wearing?

Me: Eh, I don’t know. I have to find something nice.

Dad: Are you going to wear a partying dress?

Me: Well, I can’t wear jeans.

Dad: Should I buy you a partying dress?

Me: No, it’s OK. I have to be there in a few hours.

Dad: Oh. You should go to JC Penny. They have very fashionable clothes. I saw their catalogue today.

Me: Uh, maybe. I don’t know about that.

Dad: You don’t know. I saw the pictures. Very good dresses there.